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Coltrane and Candace Want to Scream and Shout
Carl reviews the song "Scream and Shout". It was a song on his "Worst of 2012" list that he wanted to elaborate on. Memorable Quotes Carl: Hey, guys. I've gotten so many questions on what my taste in music is like, so I would like to share some of the artists I listen to. I listen to a lot of Tiny Cowboy now; I know I'm a little late on that, their fans have probably outgrown them by now, but their music is different sounding from anything else I listen to in a good way. I also like the collaboration album between Vanessa and Monty. Monty writes these powerful and personal songs, and Vanessa performs them perfectly. It's just so wonderful how much effort and time was put into their music....(in a strained voice) I've also been listening to a lot of Coltrane songs. ("Scream and Shout" begins playing) Coltrane: Aw yeah... Carl: That last one's not by choice. Carl: I know it's kind of a cheap shot to compare dance music to high-brow music in a different genre, but I can't help it. Going from those two songs is like eating a nice meal at Chez Platypus and then chewing on a disgusting Doofenshmirtz TV dinner afterwards. (a warmed up barf-on-a-plate looking meal pops up) For frozen food, that's disgusting. Why didn't you take Stouffers, it's right next to it. Or some Pot Hockets, what's wrong with Pot Hockets? Why would you buy a Doofenshmirtz Dinner? Just because it comes with a brownie? You do realize that when you open it up, the brownie's going to be slopped all over the plastic. That's gross! You can do much better than that! What the (bleep)!?....Sorry, I bought some groceries the other day I regret.....Anyway, Coltrane sucks! Carl: I remember back in the day when PFSC was a bubbling-under, alternate hip-hop group. They never made any member feel less important than the others....but then Stacy joined the group. Stacy: No, no, no, no, don't phunk with my heart... Carl: A new dynamic emerged then, where Stacy became the star and the face of the group, Coltrane became the creative director, and Phineas and Ferb were....I don't know, reserved in case Stacy lost her voice or something. Even though Stacy's fame shot up way past the other group members', Coltrane collaborated with some artists behind the scenes, like the Fireside Girls, and even helped make Stacy's solo album. Carl: But Coltrane made his own solo stuff, too. Coltrane: Baby, where'd you get your body from, tell me where you get your body from... Carl: At first it seemed like he would be taking over the lead role, with Stacy going on maternity leave and becoming increasingly detached from the group. But his success wasn't going the way he planned. He brought the "Got These Chains on Me" singer as a guest artist, but that didn't work. He replaced Stacy with other female artists such as Izzy GS, but that didn't work. Coltrane and Isabella: (with Autotune) I can't believe it, it's so amazing... Carl: Yes, that is a sample of "Video Killed the Radio Star" in the background. I personally call it "Coltrane Killed 'Video Killed the Radio Star'". Carl: But in late 2012, Coltrane finally had a hit single, the fourth single from his long-awaited recent album, with a female guest singer, the iconic Candace Flynn. Coltrane: You are now, now rocking with Coltrane and... Candace: Candace, (bleep). Carl:...Mmm, no. No one is rocking with you, Coltrane, because you do not rock. Carl: It's fitting that they're doing a song together, because they're both trying to keep up with their long careers against an onset of newer, hotter, better artists. And this is not the first time these two have worked together. Candace's last album had a song featuring Coltrane. It was called "Big Fat Bass". Coltrane: (in a deep voice) Big fat bass, the big fat bass, big fat bass, the big fat bass... Candace: (rapping in a monotone voice) I can be the treble, baby, you can be the bass, you can be the bass... Carl: Wow.....that's really annoying! So is "Scream and Shout", for that matter. They're both really annoying! Everything Coltrane makes is really annoying! Carl: You guys already know I hate this song. You may recall that I put it on my "Worst of 2012" list at number five. In retrospect, it seems kind of low. There couldn't have been four songs worse than this. (bleep), why couldn't I say nothing and already give it a review. (flashback to The Worst Songs of 2012) Carl: I was going to give this one a full review, but it'll most likely be gone by the time I finish these top ten lists, so I might as well just tackle it now. (goes back to the present) Carl: Oh, Carl.....you poor thing....There goes another thing in my "predictions for 2013" list. (screen shows Carl scratching out ""Scream and Shout" goes the **** away" from his list) Carl: So why does "Scream and Shout" suck so much? Well, Coltrane has become the poster child in recent years for what we think about when we hear bad pop music. But what does that mean? Well, let's take a look at what Coltrane is mainly known for, his compositions. Coltrane is the master of the earworm. (screen shows Stacy singing "My Humps") Carl: His songs are always getting lodged in your brain. He takes his inspirations from many things, such as car alarms (screen shows Linda's car going off), jackhammers, (screen shows Stacy and Candace trying to turn off an out-of-control jackhammer) vacuum cleaners, (screen shows Buford vacuuming a floor), your neighbors doing "it" (screen shows Isabella lying in bed with circles under her eyes while the sounds of Linda and Lawrence groaning are heard in the background), the dripping faucet that keeps you awake at night (screen shows Carl lying in bed with bags under his eyes while the sound of a dripping faucet is heard in the background). Coltrane has found a way to make any annoying, clattering noise into chart success. That's the kind of artist he is. He creates music that provokes a reaction, much like the fourteen-year-old Youtube troll who's a complete illiterate jack(bleep), but knows the exact thing to say to (bleep) you off for the rest of the day, except with Autotune. Carl: Apparently making annoying noises is the only thing that gets him excited about being a popstar, because at this point, he's barely a rapper. anymore. So indifferent by his lyrics and by his attitude towards his music, he sounds like he wishes he could be doing anything else. Carl: If you took someone who didn't speak English, (screen shows Doof's dad) expose him to a bunch of party songs and told him to write his own, this is what it would sound like. Carl: "Scream and Shout" steals the beat from "Dirty Bit", but I think the song it's more similar to is "Boom Boom Pow". "Boom Boom Pow" was atrocious. What was a "boom boom pow"? Why did we have to get it? Who knows? Who cares, shut up and listen. Carl: I don't think there's a single line here that hasn't been used before. Let's see... Coltrane: I wanna scream and shout and let it all out, and scream and shout and let it out... Carl: That's from this. Irving: Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I could do without... Candace: Candace, (bleep). Carl: That's just sampled from another Candace song. Candace: It's Candace, (bleep). Coltrane: We saying oh-we-oh-we-oh-we-oh... Carl: That could come from a number of different songs. Phineas: Oh-we-oh-we-oh... Carl: Most of the lyrics come from PFSC songs. Coltrane: Rock and roll, everybody let's lose control...(switches songs) Rock and roll, the future flow... Carl: But when you jam all those cliches together, what do you get? Well, it's a club dance song, and Coltrane apparently has a need for a primal release. Coltrane: I wanna scream and shout and let it all out... Carl: Well, he wants to go to the club and release all his energy. Well, I like Irving, I like dancing, let's get our club on. Coltrane: I wanna scream and shout and let it all out, and scream and shout and let it out, we saying... Carl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THIS IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER! IT'S KIND OF MAKING ME FEEL EVEN WORSE! Carl: There is no way this is the fifth worst song of the year? What was above this? Baljeet: Can you blow my whistle, baby... Carl: "Whistle"? This is way worse than "Whistle". Bump this up. (screen shows Candace rapping in a deep voice) Carl: And then there's Candace. Candace only does two things in this song. One, a haughty, Ferb-like, fake British accent that sounds nothing like Candace, and two, a deeply uninspired part on the chorus that unfortunately sounds exactly like Candace. Candace: I wanna scream and shout and let it all out... Carl: You remember the "Imma Be" video where Coltrane was introducing a new invention for recording music that removed the singer from the recording process entirely? Coltrane: (in the "Imma Be" video) I just type in the lyrics, and this thing saves it. Carl: Candace is proof that that invention exists. Candace: When you hear this in the club, you're gonna turn this (bleep) up... Carl: "When I hear this in the club, I have to turn this (bleep) up"? No, no no no no no. How am I going to do that in the first place, I'm not the DJ. Even if I was, I would do other things long before adjusting the volume. (screen shows people at a club dancing while the "MLP:FIM" theme song plays in the background) Carl: What was above this? Albert: That I'll only stay with you one more night... Carl: Christ, what was I thinking? Bump this up another slot. Carl: The Candace phenomenon makes less sense the longer it continues. I recall there was a time when Candace spent a good 104 days screaming and shouting and let-it-all-outing, and because of that, lost the legal right to run her own life. (screen shows pictures of a bald Candace being dragged out of her backyard by the police after a busting attempt went way too far) By 2013, she no longer cares. Carl: If Coltrane's cliches were about love or something, it would just be lame. But all his songs are always about how great he is and how he's making the most insipid music ever. He goes hard, he has all the hot beats, you should totally listen to his music, y'all. All you have to do to refute this claim is to listen to his music. His music disproves itself. Say what you want about Buford, but he's always up for a good time. Coltrane sounds bored. Bored and disgusted with you for listening to this crap. Coltrane: Aw, yeah. Carl: (mocking Coltrane) Aw, yeah. (unsarcastically) Is that what a person sounds like when he's partying? Big Mac: Ee-yup. Carl: What was number two on the list? Jeremy: This is not a drive-by... Carl: "Drive-By"? Eh, I'll hold off on that one. Carl: Someday, Coltrane will combine every obnoxious sound he's ever created. The "oh-we-ohs" from this, the chanting from "OMG", Stacy's chipmunk voice in "Rock Your Body", the repetitions from "Imma Be", the Autotune digital vomit from PFSC's halftime performance, the entirety of "My Humps", just a big ball of noise! Carl: I hate this. I do not LIKE this, Coltrane. This song is so bad I might have to put it on my worst of 2013 list, too. I can only think of only one thing to say about this.....At least it's not the remix featuring Norm and Rodney. Rodney: (rapping while a terrible hip-hop beat plays in the background) Me and Candy, we actin' wild! Carl: Lord help us all. I'm Carl the Intern saying, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (episode ends) Trivia *The creator doesn't like this song *There is a new Will.I.Am song that is worse than this, and it features Justin Bieber *"Pot Hockets" is a parody of "Hot Pockets". The creator used to eat them when she was little; she probably hated them, since she doesn't eat them now. *The creator used to like that "Video Kill the Radio Star" ripoff song, but doesn't anymore because it has extremely stupid lyrics. She likes it for the beat. *Illiterate Youtube trolls need to go away, along with over-obsessed bronies and over-obsessed Directioners who still attack Taylor Swift for dating one of the members. *The other things on Carl's "predictions for 2013" include "Ferb, Monty, and Johnny become BFFs" and "Space Adventure wins Grammys, Oscars, Nobels" Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fanon Works Category:Reviews Category:Coltrane Category:Candace Flynn Category:Carl